And Your Cranky Professor, Too!
by Lollipop Guild
Summary: Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, Hermione botches a potion.
1. I

And Your Cranky Professor, Too!  
By Angie and Sandra  
angeloser@charter.net 

  


Hermione was mad. Not "Ron, would you please quit doing that so I can study?" mad. Not even, "How the hell could Viktor dump me for Pansy Parkinson?" mad. No, this went beyond anything she'd experienced before. She was quite sure that if she'd tried to breathe fire, it would have worked. 

This was all Snape's fault. She didn't know how he was to blame, but she was certain, once she'd figured it all out, his hooked nose would be in all sorts of places it had no business being. 

She wasn't, however, about to cool down enough to do any investigating for a long while. Now she just needed to get the hell out of Hogwarts before she scared any hapless first years to stone. 

Luckily, most of the other students were out of the building. She'd missed Hogsmeade weekend, and it certainly wasn't helping her mood at all. At least Snape had left the building and she wouldn't have to deal with him. Though, in the state she was in, Hermione thought if, by some unlucky chance, she happened upon Snape, she'd just fix him with a curse and damn the consequences. 

Reaching her destination, Hermione wrenched the door to the Potions classroom open and rushed inside, slamming the door with a most satisfying THUNK. She looked around, happy to see that Snape wasn't in residence. At least she wouldn't have to risk being expelled. 

Hermione walked to Snape's desk and sat down in his chair. She was sure he'd hate the thought of her body occupying the space his normally did, and it made her happy. 

From beneath her robe, Hermione withdrew several crumpled pieces of paper. Rejection slips, all of them. 

Earlier in the day, Dumbledore had called her into his office to discuss the several apprenticeships she'd applied for. In all honesty, Hermione had expected to be accepted by all of them. She was good at Transfiguration, and she knew it. 

Instead, Dumbledore had said, "Sit down, Miss Granger, please." Then he'd fixed her with that knowing blue stare. She'd known it wasn't going to be good news. 

But six rejections! Something was definitely not right. And she'd bet her last knut it was Snape's fault. 

At least three of the apprenticeships had asked for references from all of Hermione's teachers. Of them all, Snape was the most likely to have nothing positively to say about her work. The problem certainly couldn't lie with her grades. McGonagall had told Hermione that in all her years teaching she'd never seen a student with a better grade point average. 

With less than three weeks before school came to an end, and no other plans to fall back upon, Hermione was in big trouble. Dumbledore had offered her a position in the school, assisting and filling in for other teachers when they couldn't make their classes, but Hermione wanted out of Hogwarts. 

It wasn't that she didn't love the old castle. She did. She just had the nagging itch to get out into the bigger world. A place that didn't have the lingering smell of mildew. 

If she couldn't get out in the long run, she'd settle for a small excursion. She'd come to the dungeons intent on making a transportation potion. They'd been studying transportation potions in class the past several days, and she couldn't have asked for better timing. All the ingredients were fresh, and in stock. 

Best of all, the anti-apparation spell around Hogwarts didn't affect the potion. 

Hermione was going to spend the day lying on a beach in the Caribbean, soaking in the sun, and drinking something with a cute name out of a coconut. And she was not going to think about anything remotely practical. 

Harry and Ron had been absolute pests this morning, trying their best to talk her into coming with them to town. They'd even gotten poor Ginny in on the action, and by the end of the breakfast, Hermione had been very glad to see them go. There was only so much one could take of talking eggs. 

To make matters worse, she'd run into Sirius Black and Remus Lupin on her way back from Dumbledore's office. They'd obviously heard the news of Hermione's rejection notices and had tried to cheer Hermione up, which had only succeeded in making her more upset. They didn't seem to understand that something was wrong, and that's why she hadn't been accepted. 

She had to get out of Hogwarts, period. If one more person said anything to her today, she was liable to… she didn't even know, but it wouldn't be good. 

There. She'd furiously gathered all her ingredients and set them beside her cauldron. Lighting a small fire, she set about mixing the base for the potion. 

While it simmered, Hermione let her mind wander to her day on the beach. She hummed and smiled, the action of potion making itself cheering her a bit. 

She added the final ingredient and stirred, happily anticipating the feel of the sun upon her skin. 

Then the door crashed open. 

Hermione looked up, expecting to see a murderous Snape. Instead she saw a disheveled and worried looking Harry Potter. 

"Hermione!" he screamed, "Don't do it!" 

"What?" she asked, not looking at the potion, which had inched up from a simmer to a rolling boil. 

"Don't drink that. This isn't worth it." Harry huffed and puffed and ran to Hermione's side, grabbing her about the wrist. 

"What? Harry, are you okay?" She tried to pry his fingers from his wrist, because, besides being sweaty and dirty, he was starting to hurt her. 

"I heard about the rejections. Sirius let it slip. And he said you were headed towards the dungeons…" 

"Harry, what do you think I'm going to do?" Hermione pulled on her wrist with her other arm – this was turning into some absurd tug-of-war. 

Harry looked sheepish, and Hermione suddenly got it. 

"You didn't think I was going to poison myself, did you? My god, Harry, you've known me how long?" 

"Well, what was I supposed to think? I got in here and you're making some sort of potion in the empty classroom, and…" Harry trailed off, realized he had no foundation upon which to stand. 

He still hadn't let go of her wrist, so Hermione gave an especially hard tug, finally wrenching herself free. 

And directly into the boiling cauldron. 

Potion flew everywhere. Gobs of the stuff landed on her clothes, on Harry, and splatters of it touched every wall. 

Hermione opened her mouth to yell at Harry, but before she could get the words out, the room started to spin. Literally. 

"Harry?" she called, looking around for her friend. She took two unstable steps, and clung to the wall to keep from falling over. 

Harry didn't answer. 

Hermione made her way to the door of the classroom, and tried to open it. She had to use all her strength, and when she finally pried it open, she found herself looking not into the Hogwarts hallway she was used to but… was that a cloud? 

"Harry!" she repeated, "You have to come over here and see this. Something very weird is happening." 

There was still no sign of Harry. Hermione was about to close the window when she saw the strangest thing. It was a wizard, or at least, what she assumed to be a wizard (the thing was quite shriveled and ugly, but it looked at least marginally human) riding a bicycle that, before her eyes, turned into a broomstick. "Mwa ha ha ha!" the thing laughed. 

Hermione slammed the door shut forcefully, and called again for Harry. When no answer came, she decided he must have taken shelter somewhere he couldn't hear her. She decided to do the same, and walked towards Snape's desk. 

She'd taken three steps when something heavy hit her on the head and the world went black. 

* 

When Hermione opened her eyes, she found herself looking into the bright green irises of a dog. A small, black dog. With a lightning bolt scar on its forehead. Oh, god. 

"Harry?" she asked the dog stupidly. 

The dog barked. 

"Oh no. Harry, are you an animagus, or has something really horrible happened?" 

Harry barked. Hermione assumed that meant the latter. 

"Come on," she said, "Let's get you to Madam Pomfrey. Unless you'd like to spend the rest of your days walking around on a leash and marking your territory." She picked the dog up, and he licked her face. Hermione reminded herself that Harry didn't know what he was doing, so he couldn't purposely be trying to annoy her. 

The back of her head ached horribly, and Hermione thought she might be in need of Poppy's services herself. Carrying Harry, she walked to the classroom door and opened it. 

Then she promptly dropped Harry and her lower jaw. 

Hermione found herself looking out into a world she'd never seen before. There were brightly colored flowers, enchanting little houses, and a sparkling golden road. She looked down at the dog by her feet. "Harry," she said, "I don't think we're at Hogwarts anymore." 

--------------------------------------------- Author's Notes ------------------------------------------------

Prologue to the insane Wizard of Oz Parody. Written by Angie. Not as funny as Sandra's chapters. *g*  


Oh, and standard disclaimers, Harry, Hermione and Co. Belong to J.K. Rowling, and The Wizard of Oz belongs to L. Frank Baum. (Who is probably spinning in his grave.) 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	2. II

By Sandra  
arcthalia@aol.com 
    
    [Hermione steps out into the bright sunlight. Amazing Technicolor Dreamboat sequence. Hermione takes
    a step forward. Her robes are gone. She is wearing a Fashion Don't. Her hair is braided. Barely.
    Looks like a Ron Weasley (tm) masterpiece. Harry wags his tail, barks once.]
    **HERMIONE**
    I'm not singing.
    [Harry barks.]
    [Hermione puts him on the ground, and looks around, dazed.]
    **HERMIONE**
    Don't tell me. We're either over the rainbow or
    on our way to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
    **VOICE**
    Well, technically, Willy Wonka doesn't own the
    factory anymore. He's proclaimed bankruptcy.
    From what I hear, he'd been put in a minimum
    security penitentiary after they accidentally
    uncovered all his workers were under twelve.
    [VOICE belongs to Professor McGonagall, who is hovering to Hermione's right, wearing her own green robes.
    Hermione scowls at her own outfit. Professor McGonagall surveys the damage, then turns her stare to Hermione.]
    **MCGONAGALL**
    [cocks head] I must ask, as it is not quite clear. Are you
    a good witch, or a bad witch?
    **HERMIONE**
    [thoughtfully] Well, Professor, that depends. How are
    we defining these fairly obscure terms? By good, are you
    referring to being characterized by kindness and concern
    for others, or perhaps having the ability to perform well,
    or, rather, are you questioning whether I am morally sound?
    **MCGONAGALL**
    Yes, well---
    **HERMIONE**
    And conceivably, you might be systematizing terms such
    as _bad_ as misbehaving in a troublesome way, or perhaps,
    you're saying I'm below the standard of quality, which, I
    assure you, is positively not the case. I certainly hope
    you're not implying I'm --- _evil_.
    **MCGONAGALL**
    [looking about, exasperated]
    Oh. [staring at a spot behind Hermione]
    Is that the wizard?
    **HERMIONE**
    [glances around] Who, Harry? [beat] Harry's, apparently,
    my dog. Which is particularly odd as I've read analyses
    which hypothesize Dorothy had an abnormal obsession
    with Toto, and I for one am not---
    **MCGONAGALL**
    Yes, yes.
    
    [McGonagall spots the classroom.]
    **MCGONAGALL** (cont.)
    Well, I'm slightly muddled. [beat] The Munchkins informed
    me a new wizard has just dropped a classroom on Tom Riddle.
    [beat, looks around, swishing wand] Oh, dear. There's the
    classroom --- and I must say it's an exceptionally unsettling
    classroom --- and here you are, and that's all...
    [Tom Riddle's feet are poking from underneath the classroom]
    **MCGONAGALL** (cont.)
    ...that's left of Tom Riddle.
    **HERMIONE**
    Well, technically, there's also a diary.
    **MCGONAGALL**
    [ignoring Hermione as she gets paid by the line]
    So, what the Munchkins want to know is, are you
    a good witch, or a bad witch?
    **HERMIONE**
    
    Good witch. Unless you're inclined to believe Professor
    Snape, who wouldn't recognize quality if it---
    **MCGONAGALL**
    Please focus, dear.
    [Childish giggling in the background.]
    **HERMIONE**
    Should I venture a guess as to what that noise is?
    **MCGONAGALL**
    I'd appreciate it if you didn't, dear. Union rules.
    **HERMIONE**
    Fair enough.
    **MCGONAGALL**
    I've decided to keep this short. Those monsters in the
    background are, unfortunately, the Munchkins.
    [beat, more giggling] I'm Professor McGonagall, Head
    of Munchkinland. Firstly, I will not sing. Nor will I attempt
    to elaborate on my merry affiliates here. I will, however,
    tell you that they are rather grateful you've freed them from
    the evil You-Know-Who.
    **HERMIONE**
    Oh. I see. We're conserving time. Excellent, Professor.
    [Harry barks twice.]
    **MCGONAGALL**
    Yes, well. [beat] So, now that you've become a
    national heroine, dear, and quite satisfied those versatile
    fandom expectations, I'd like you to meet the Munchkins.
    [sotto voce, to Hermione] I'm terribly sorry.
    [louder] Come now, children, it's quite safe to come out.
    **VOICE 1**
    We're not coming out until Lockheart does. I've a
    five placed on Christmas, after he's had some rum.
    **VOICE 2**
    Shut up! Professor Lockheart is straight!
    **MCGONAGALL**
    ****As straight as Hermione's hair. Come now, children or
    I shall start taking points.
    [Munchkins begin swarming. Harry whimpers]
    [LAVENDER BROWN, a MUNCHKIN, approaches Hermione.]
    **LAVENDER**
    Yes, hello. We _would_ sing, but there's a clause
    in our contract. Frankly, we were expecting, well...
    [Another MUNCHKIN, PARVATI PATIL, approaches warily.]
    **PARVATI**
    Don't take this the wrong way, but you're a girl.
    **HERMIONE**
    Indeed.
    **LAVENDER**
    Yes, well, it's just that we were supposed to be
    rescued, erm, by a boy. We can't possibly worship a girl.
    **PARVATI**
    We were told Harry Potter would---
    [Harry barks twice.]
    [Hermione picks him up, and wraps her fingers around his snout to make him quiet.]
    **HERMIONE**
    This is the 21st century. Strong female characters
    aren't unusual. Girls can be strong and smart and
    pretty, simultaneously. They can be marvelous role
    models. [beat] Unless they're paired up with half-wit
    redheads who live for Quidditch and think the
    G-spot is an autocrat---
    **LAVENDER**
    Oh. All wonderful points, but see, we've made
    banners and---
    [Posters and banners are hanging everywhere, most depicting a boy with dark hair and glasses slaying an
    evil wizard. Several glittering signs read "I (heart) Harry Potter".]
    **MCGONAGALL**
    Oh, dear. I've warned you lot about this. We may
    be stuck in the 16th century, but we most certainly
    do not approve of polygyny.
    **HERMIONE**
    (disappointedly) Nor polyandry.
    [A carriage appears. Mild celebration commences.]
    **LAVENDER**
    Here. I reckon I ought to help you climb in.
    [exchanging glances with Parvati as Hermione climbs in by herself]
    
    **MCGONAGALL**
    Aren't you forgetting something, ladies?
    **PARVATI**
    [very unenthusiastically] We thank you, we thank you,
    We hadn't a clue, we always just thought
    Tom Riddle would leave if we threatened to sue.
    But now that you've saved us, it'd be a crime
    If we didn't worship you for the rest of time
    [beat] Why do these always have to rhyme?
    [Munchkins board the carriage. McGonagall follows. Carriage takes off.]
    **HERMIONE**
    Shouldn't there be a parade in my honor?
    **LAVENDER**
    Wasn't in the budget. Just wait 'til you see the
    big flying monkey scene.
    **PARVATI**
    I should, er, go wake up everyone. They'd want to
    know the wicked old, erm, wizard is dead.
    **LAVENDER**
    Somehow, it just doesn't sound right.
    **PARVATI**
    Hermione's right. It's a chauvinistic conspiracy. It
    doesn't sound as catchy when a _man_ dies. Ding dong,
    the... no, it doesn't work.
    **LAVENDER**
    Actually, I rather thought it was for economic reasons.
    You see, in these modern times, where sociopolitical
    issues are taking a back-seat to the turbulent---
    **PARVATI**
    You read that off a shampoo bottle, didn't you?
    **LAVENDER**
    You can't prove anything.
    **HERMIONE**
    [to McGonagall ] They're stealing my scenes, aren't they?
    **MCGONAGALL**
    They do tend to do that, yes. Ever since Professor
    Trelawney was forced to resign, they've had to find
    new ways to attract attention.
    [Carriage circles a full 360, parking next to a grand building near the classroom. MADAM SPROUT,
    the MAYOR, exits, followed by MADAM PINCE, the BARRISTER.]
    [Hermione steps out of the carriage. Madam Sprout greets her skeptically. McGonagall promptly shushes her.]
    **MAYOR SPROUT**
    [hesitantly] Well, Harry, you've --- you've changed a tad
    since the last time I saw you, but then again, you can never tell
    with babies. They could go either way, I suppose. Like that
    Gerber baby---
    [beat, off McGonagall's impatient expression]
    Gender notwithstanding, we welcome you most regally.
    **PINCE**
    However, we must verify it legally.
    **MAYOR** **SPROUT**
    To see?
    **PINCE**
    If he...
    **MAYOR** **SPROUT**
    If he?
    **PINCE**
    Is morally, ethically---
    **MAYOR** **SPROUT**
    Spiritually, physically---
    **LAVENDER**
    Positively, absolutely---
    **PARVATI**
    Undeniably and reliably---
    **ALL** (asynchronously)
    _Dead_.
    [GILDEROY LOCKHEART, the CORONER, steps toward Hermione.]
    **HERMIONE**
    You're not touching a finger---
    **LOCKHEART**
    Of course not, dear. I don't like you that way.
    Ask any Snapefan.
    **HERMOINE**
    Oh. All right, then.
    [Lockheart moves away, toward the classroom, swishes wand several times, looking bouncy and incompetent.
    But pretty. He comes back several seconds later.]
    **LOCKHEART**
    Well, as near as I can tell --- and I can't, really ---
    he's rather dead. Of course, I wouldn't exclude
    several factors here. Firstly, I'm a slightly inept amnesiac.
    I wouldn't believe everything I say. Secondly, Tom
    Riddle has an affinity for highly melodramatic exists,
    and as we've all witnessed thus far, he always seems
    to find a way to come back. I wouldn't celebrate too
    prematurely and---
    **MAYOR** **SPROUT**
    ---we shall now disregard all your prattling. I suggest
    today be proclaimed a day of Independence for all the
    Munchkins and their descendants.
    **PINCE**
    Of course, unless Miss Lavender and Miss Parvati
    stop inhaling nail polish fumes, we may never see any.
    **LAVENDER**
    Here's to that!
    **PARVATI**
    Our contracts don't cover maternal leave.
    HERMIONE
    They're doing it again, Professor McGonagall.
    **MCGONAGALL**
    Yes, well. [_looks_ _around_] I'd like you to meet someone.
    If not for plot advancement, then sheer level of vengeance.
    [THREE TOTS line up in front of Hermione. They are sulking, dragging their feet and are altogether in a
    very rotten mood. They are also dressed unbearably cute.]
    [Hermione grins widely.]
    **DRACO**
    Shut up, Granger. We had to be in here somewhere.
    **HERMIONE**
    [smirking] You _will_ sing, won't you?
    [Draco doesn't answer, continues silently fuming.]
    **CRABBE**
    Well, then... [looks around, McGonagall nods threateningly.]
    We should --- start. Goyle, you go first.
    **GOYLE**
    Oi. I don't think so.
    **DRACO**
    And why exactly not?
    
    **GOYLE**
    Well, Fearless Leader, for one, I have absolutely
    no place in a Snape/Granger piece of fiction.
    [beat] So long, mate.
    [Goyle exits.]
    **CRABBE**
    Bloody hell. Why didn't I think of that first?
    [Crabbe attempts escape, only to be thwarted by Draco's firm grip on his arm.]
    **DRACO**
    Oh, no you don't. [scowling] But we do need a replacement.
    Where's Keanu Reeves when you need him? [beat]
    Pansy!
    [PANSY stumbles out of the bushes.]
    **PANSY**
    Coming, Draco, darling! [falls in line]
    Hello, mudblood. We represent the Lullaby League...
    or the Lollypop Guild. I'm not quite clear on that part.
    **DRACO**
    Yes, we wish to [deep sigh] welcome you to Munchkinland.
    At least until our Lord rises again.
    [Loud cheering until the Munchkins realize what they're cheering for. After a moment, they continue
    celebrating obliviously.]
    **MAYOR SPROUT**
    From now on, you'll be history, my dear Harry!
    **HERMIONE**
    Actually, it's Hermione. Harry's my... [Harry barks] friend.
    **MAYOR** **SPROUT**
    Well, then. From now on, you'll be history, Harry's Friend!
    **DRACO**
    [evilly] Yes, _history_.
    
    **PINCE**
    We shall glorify your name --- if you have no objections
    to heathenism or illicit hero worship---
    **LAVENDER**
    Well, she didn't mind it for seventy or so chapters of RH.
    **MAYOR SPROUT**
    Good point. Ten points for Munchkinland.
    **PINCE**
    ---and you'll be a bust---
    **DRACO**
    Definitely a bust.
    
    **PINCE**
    ---in the hall of fame.
    **HERMIONE**
    [to Harry] I can't take much more of this. There is
    no character development, no real plot, and worst of
    all, no shagging that seems so integral to WIKTT.
    [Harry barks three times. Enter LORD VOLDEMORT, stage left. Draco seems delighted, McGonagall
    irritated and Sprout keeps checking her day planner.]
    **MAYOR** **SPROUT**
    You're not scheduled for a tyrannous coup until 18:00.
    **VOLDEMORT**
    Evil doesn't respect punctuality.
    **HERMIONE**
    This may sound silly, but I thought you said he was dead.
    **MCGONAGALL**
    No, we said _Tom_ _Riddle_ was dead. This is Lord You-Know-Who.
    Not up to your usual standard, Hermione, at all.
    Five points from Munchkinland.
    **PARVATI**
    I protest!
    
    **LAVENDER**
    I second that!
    **VOLDEMORT**
    Who killed me? Who killed Tom Riddle?
    Was it you? Answer me!
    **HERMIONE**
    Well, technically, if you're standing here, you're not dead.
    **VOLDEMORT**
    What?
    **HERMIONE**
    Well, if you put any stock into time-space theories,
    there can only be one of you. Therefore, you can
    either be Tom Marvolo Riddle or Lord Voldemort.
    It's quite simple really. And if you're brilliant enough,
    you can rearrange a few letters and come ahead much
    earlier than your peers while reading _Chamber of Secrets_.
    Of course, many of us rather like Tom Riddle as he is
    young and not quite as evil as Lord Voldemort. Also,
    all things considered, they've cast a boy that could
    potentially rival Sean Biggerstaff's fan base. [beat]
    As I was saying, you can't coexist with Tom, but you
    can _be_ Tom. You needed to crush him anyway.
    He was what you weren't or won't be and by being, he isn't.
    **VOLDEMORT**
    Wait. I haven't had my coffee yet.
    **HERMIONE**
    That's okay. I can wait.
    **VOLDEMORT**
    Thank you. They could fire me for this, you know. [beat]
    Very well. Let me get into character. [expression darkens]
    Who killed my... er, brother? [Hermione nods encouragingly]
    Who killed him? Was it you? Answer me!
    **MCGONAGALL**
    Leave her alone. She's due for a break anyway. Child labor laws.
    **VOLDEMORT**
    You stay out of this! I'm here for vengeance! So, it was
    you, was it? You killed him --- _wait_.
    
    **MAYOR SPROUT**
    Oh, for heaven's sake, Tom, we'd all like to go home
    before the apocalypse.
    **VOLDEMORT**
    Wait, I've got something here. Why couldn't a classroom land
    on Wormtail? He's expendable. No one likes him. Why create
    paradoxes?
    **HERMIONE**
    Um. It was an accident? No SS/HG story is complete without
    an accident? We didn't mean to? Pick one?
    
    **VOLDEMORT**
    This is a SS/HG story? [Hermione nods]
    My sincerest condolences.
    **PINCE**
    Listen, in my capacity as a legal consultant, I must
    advise you to keep in character. With all due respect,
    Evil Dark Lord, no one is going to want to kill you.
    **VOLDEMORT**
    [dramatic sigh] As you wish.
    [clears throat, narrows eyes menacingly] Accident, eh?
    Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents, as well. [raises wand]
    And this is how I do it!
    **MCGONAGALL**
    Aren't you forgetti---
    [Harry barks once, gnawing on Tom Riddle's slippers.]
    **MCGONAGALL**
    ---ng the ruby slippers?
    [Everyone looks at Tom Riddle's feet. The slippers disappear and the stockings are drawn
    back under the classroom.]
    **VOLDEMORT**
    They're gone. [beat] Oh, well. I've raised from the dead.
    I can't afford to worry over shoes.
    **LAVENDER**
    Yes, but in accordance to Ministry regulations, one
    cannot perform any spells if one's wand is not
    color-coordinated to one's slippers.
    
    **VOLDEMORT**
    Blasted Ministry pansies. Such rubbish. In _my_ day and age---
    
    **MCGONAGALL**
    The fact remains, we need conflict. Now, if you'd kindly
    notice Tom Riddle's slippers are headed towards Hermione,
    we can all fake surprise and set up the next chapter.
    **HERMIONE**
    After all, we haven't even heard from Professor Snape yet.
    And this _is_ a SS/HG story. Professor Snape is somewhat
    crucial to the plot. We shan't survive without his biting
    sarcasm and a few dozen pages of pure, pain-driven anxiety.
    I shall have to provide comfort while keeping an appropriate
    distance, both emotional and physical. And then, perhaps,
    a scheming friend or familiar will bring us closer together.
    This is, after all, a SS/HG story.
    **ALL**
    We already apologized for that.
    **HERMIONE**
    I just like hearing it.
    **VOLDEMORT**
    Very well, indeed. [beat] I _could_ just send Peter out to
    buy me a new pair of slippers, but I suppose that would
    defeat the purpose. And he is rather---
    **PINCE**
    Flamboyant?
    **PARVATI**
    Fashion-impaired?
    **HERMIONE**
    Merry in a non-Robin Hood manner?
    [Harry barks.]
    **DRACO**
    Loyal?
    **VOLDEMORT**
    [noticing Draco] Oh. Your father says hello.
    My... you've grown.
    
    **DRACO**
    Thank you, my Lord. I would gladly retrieve the
    slippers for you, but I worry Granger and I would
    end up in a compromising situation not becoming
    a SS/HG story. Unless we, of course, refer to---
    **PINCE**
    Copyright, young man. We've already referenced it once.
    **MCGONAGALL**
    Quite right. [to Voldemort] Shall we continue unbidden?
    **VOLDEMORT**
    [turning to Hermione] Give me back my slippers.
    **HERMIONE**
    You didn't say please.
    **MCGONAGALL**
    And he won't say thank you, either.
    
    **VOLDEMORT**
    You stay out of this, Minnie, or I'll fix you, as well.
    **MCGONAGALL**
    Rubbish. You obviously have no power here.
    **LAVENDER**
    Or fashion sense!
    
    **PARVATI**
    Or stage presence!
    [Harry barks twice.]
    **MCGONAGALL**
    You better be off, before somebody drops
    a classroom on you, too.
    **VOLDEMORT**
    Very well --- I'll bide my time. [turns to Hermione]
    And as for you, my fine lady... I know a great hair product
    that would get that mane of yours under control. [Hermione
    glares, Harry barks.] Oh, all right. I merely want to
    be in the sequel.
    **HERMIONE**
    Yes, well, join the club. We'd all like to be in Book Five.
    But it just isn't going to happen.
    **VOLDEMORT**
    Perhaps we overdid it when we started cutting off hands.
    [beat] I can't top that. [hisses, narrows eyes] You ---
    it's true. I can't attend to you here and now as I'd like---
    **DRACO**
    As we'd _all_ like.
    
    **VOLDEMORT**
    ---but just try to stay out of my way, just try!
    I'll _get_ you, my pretty.
    [Hermione thrusts Harry at Voldemort, then snatches him back.]
    **VOLDEMORT**
    And your little dog, too. After all, I _have_ been
    after him for years now. [laughs menacingly]
    Cheerio.


End file.
